Friday's Funnies

Fast Food

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."  The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Fun Voicemail Messages

~ Hi. Now you say something.

~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

~ Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

~ I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

~ Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Travel Plans to consider...

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.  I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.  I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often these days.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!  I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Mother's Dictionary

• Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too.
• Defense: What you'd better have aroun' de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
• Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• Look Out!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
• Prepared Childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
• Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
• Temper Tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
• Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
• Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• Verbal: Able to whine in words.
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."