Friday's Funnies

Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?

Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

4. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

5. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."  A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

Did you know…?

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

One Solution

My daughter couldn't muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick." "If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it?" "Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."

Attractive

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question intended as a followup on the previous day's lesson: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Top 9 Signs You’re At A Bad Baptism Service

9. The Coast Guard is involved.

8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

7. Pastor wears scuba gear.

6. As the baptism begins, the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

Natural Selection of M&M'S

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.  Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.  When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. Send it along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."  This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.  There can be only one.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Today’s Thought

One reason it's so hard to save money is that our neighbors are always buying something we can't afford.