Friday's Funnies

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (backwash).
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person — period!
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"
#1 thing that moms REALLY want is..... More loving, quality time with the kids she wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Real Mothers...

• Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
• Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
• Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
• Real Mothers know that dried Play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
• Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
• Real Mothers sometimes ask, "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "Because I love you best."
• Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

Shopping Plan

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child: "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

Hamster Care

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.  One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"  After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Love Campaign

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.  He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.  Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

Preacher's Best Years

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.  Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"  The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.  Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"  The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.  After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Camp System

A loaded minivan pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.  A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."  The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Measurements

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.  Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.  The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."  While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.   When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Today’s Thought

If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?