Friday's Funnies

Problem Solved

Last year I entered the Cal State marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied: "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

The Wedding Singers

Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her playing the organ and him singing. During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He said he had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."

The Blind

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind." Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table. "Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Light Bulb

Q: How many members of the President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?

A: Nine

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of the President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the President was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

Five Real-Life Dimwits

·         AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

·         Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

·         An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

·         A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

·         Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

OXYMORONS

(contradictory words)

Almost exactly          

Alone together

Awful good

Clearly misunderstood  

Definite maybe         

Dodge Ram

Exact estimate         

Extinct life

Found missing    

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Jumbo shrimp

Large minority

Living dead

Near miss

New classic            

Now, then...

Passive aggression     

Plastic glasses        

Plastic silverware

Pretty ugly             

Random order

Same difference

Silent scream

Taped live

Terribly pleased

Tight slacks

Virtual reality

Wicked good

Working vacation