Friday's Funnies

New Year resolution

2009: I will go to church every Sunday.

2010: I will go to church as often as possible.

2011: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2012: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

2006: I will get my weight down below 180.

2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2010: I will work out 5 days a week.

2011: I will work out 3 days a week.

2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2012...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                     

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                         

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels                                 

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall        

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                           

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                            

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                          

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Too Late

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Easy Choice

It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

Too Honest

A woman is standing looking in the full-length bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible! I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect!" The husband is now hoping to be discharged from the hospital as soon as next week.

Wealth

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

After the holidays

Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by over-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them on the same diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, eat regularly for another two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 pounds each.

"Why, that's positively amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions exactly?"

Ole and Sven nodded and said, "We vant to tell you though, we taut we was gonna drop dead dat third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, yust from all dat skippin!"