Friday's Funnies

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.

Lady: I lost my Husband.

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with him?

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...

And the lady started crying.

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

For What it is Worth

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.   He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. "Oh, about $200 today," replied the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I’m out."    The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Okay," he said, "Here is the check for $1,000. It's postdated six years from now." 

Rules for a Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

Older Than Dirt Test

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And You Are..................

* 0-5 = You're still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don't tell your age
* 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Today’s Thought

Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

Friday's Funnies

Confused

• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
• Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

Signs of the Times

1. On the desk of a kindergarten teacher: "THINK SMALL"
2. Pawnshop sign: "Please See Me At Your Earliest Inconvenience."
3. Sign in Office: "The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own."
4. Sign at butcher shop: "Honest scales — No Two Weighs About It."
5. Sign by stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."
6. Sign on travel agency window: "Please Go Away!"

Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.  "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Trees

~ It's important to have roots.

~ In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

~ Don't pine away over old flames.

~ If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.

~ Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

~ Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

~ If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

~ Grow where you're planted.

~ It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

~ Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

~ Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

~ If the party gets boring or dangerous, just leaf.

~ You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.

~ It's more important to be honest than poplar.

The Intercom

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Parental Discretion

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

Ocean Puns

What do fish need to stay healthy?

Vitamin Sea.

Why don't fish like basketball?

Because they're afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?

In a clambulance.

Illustrating the Need

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

You're an EXTREME Red Neck When...

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Today’s Thought

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in. 

Friday's Funnies

Oops

My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"  I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."  "Great. Can you do me a favor?"  "Sure, boss. What?"  "Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,  "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"  The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."  Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"  From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: OK, 'Ms. know it all'. If high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: Going back for thirds.

Diamonds

After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds. They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out.  As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like diamonds I can see."  Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

10. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

12. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

13. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Israelites out of Egypt

Nine year old Dewey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Parent’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,

Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think

About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at

And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well don’t I have the right to dream?)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,

I must have lost them long ago!

Today’s Thought

Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream

Friday's Funnies

A Picnic Funny

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.  When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.  "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.  "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

Taking It Literally

Young David was playing on the floor singing at the top of his lungs. A neighbor came over to visit and said, "David, would you like to sing on the radio?" David looked up at her very solemnly and said, "No." "Why ever not?" she asked. "Because," he said, "I might fall off."

Compensation

Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" he complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

Doing as Told

I had just placed a cake on my kitchen counter and told my young son to keep his hands off the cake. I left the room and returned a short time later to find my son on a bar stool with both hands behind his back – but his mouth was on the cake. He was obeying me. He did not put his hands on the cake. I just hadn't thought to mention his mouth!

These are the laws of the natural universe

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Von Fumbles Law: When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket.

~ Law of Campbell's Oops: The probability that you will spill food on your clothes is directly proportional to your need to be clean.

~ Law of Fatal Irreversibility: After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later.

Minnesota

A farmer lived in Minnesota, right on the border with Iowa.  One day he saw a team of surveyors working along the road.  They measured and argued and measured again.  Finally they came up to the farm house.  "Sir, we have some news for you," they said. "It looks like the old map was completely wrong about the border.  Your farm is actually in Iowa!"  "That's wonderful!" cried the farmer, "No more of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their tent.   Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"  "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."  "No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

Government in Action

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines.  One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested, as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old.  The FCC director loved the idea and replied, "Good thought. But first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

The Accident

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.  "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today’s Thought

I don't need any tattoos. After all, you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.

Friday's Funnies

School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." 

The End is Near

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"  They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.  "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.  From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

The Great Escape

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

The Bible Means...

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
The Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

The Offering

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50

and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50,

you MAKE IT to 60,

and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch.

I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas: "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!  Age is a funny thing.

Friday's Funnies

Happy Mother’s Day

Stages

At 6 years old, "Mommy, I love you."

At 10 years old, "Mom, whatever"

At 16, "My mom is so annoying."

At 18, "I wanna leave this house."

At 25, "Mom, you were right."

At 30, "I wanna go to Mom's house"

At 50, "I don't wanna lose my Mom."

At 70, "I would give up anything for my mom to be here with me."

10 Things A Mom Doesn't Want To Hear

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain???

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)

Mother's Day Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I want a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," the boy said, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Why God Made Moms

Why God Made Moms Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
2. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
2. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

What We Said Differently to Mom and Dad Growing Up:

— To Mom —

• I'm hungry...
• I'm cold...
• I'm hot...
• Can I have...
• I want to watch...
• Where are you?
• Can you ask Dad?
• Can you help me...
• He punched me...
• She scratched me...
• I want to go there...
• When are we...?
• Why are we...?
• Why can't we...?

— To Dad —

• Where's mom?

Today’s Thought

If you work all day and you never get paid, you’re a Mom!

Friday's Funnies

Fiancé

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.  "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.  "I am a biblical scholar," he replied.  "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"  "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.  "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."  "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.  The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.  Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"  The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

Best Out-OF-Office E-mail Relies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th.  Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email.  Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

The Painless Dentist

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.  "He's a fake!" Veronica told her friends. "He's not painless at all.  When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!"

Job Interview

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.  "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"  "That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

Suggested List Price

A farmer had been swindled several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow                                   $499.95

Shipping and handling                        35.75

Extra stomach                                79.25

Two-tone exterior                            142.10

Produce storage compartment                  126.50

Heavy duty straw chopper                     189.60

Four spigot/high output drain system         149.20

Automatic fly swatter                        88.50

Genuine cowhide upholstery                   179.90

Deluxe dual horns                            59.25

Automatic fertilizer attachment              339.40

4 x 4 traction drive assembly                884.16

Pre-delivery wash and comb                   69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:                $2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments:               300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options):        $3143.36

Names

A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).  Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.   But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.   When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.  She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."   "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.  "I know, but he named your son Denephew!"

City Slicker

City slicker: "Look at that bunch of cows."

Farmer: "Not bunch ... herd."

City slicker: "Heard what?"

Farmer: "Herd of cows."

City slicker: "Sure I've heard of cows."

Farmer: "No, a cow herd."

City slicker: "Why should I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow." 

Today’s Thought

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of monthly payments.