Friday's Funnies

School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." 

The End is Near

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"  They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.  "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.  From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

The Great Escape

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

The Bible Means...

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
The Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

The Offering

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50

and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30,

you're PUSHING 40,

you REACH 50,

you MAKE IT to 60,

and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch.

I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas: "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!  Age is a funny thing.