Friday's Funnies

Confused

• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
• Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

Signs of the Times

1. On the desk of a kindergarten teacher: "THINK SMALL"
2. Pawnshop sign: "Please See Me At Your Earliest Inconvenience."
3. Sign in Office: "The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own."
4. Sign at butcher shop: "Honest scales — No Two Weighs About It."
5. Sign by stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."
6. Sign on travel agency window: "Please Go Away!"

Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.  "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Trees

~ It's important to have roots.

~ In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

~ Don't pine away over old flames.

~ If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.

~ Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

~ Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

~ If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

~ Grow where you're planted.

~ It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

~ Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

~ Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

~ If the party gets boring or dangerous, just leaf.

~ You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.

~ It's more important to be honest than poplar.

The Intercom

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Parental Discretion

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

Ocean Puns

What do fish need to stay healthy?

Vitamin Sea.

Why don't fish like basketball?

Because they're afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?

In a clambulance.

Illustrating the Need

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

You're an EXTREME Red Neck When...

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Today’s Thought

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.