Friday's Funnies

A Picnic Funny

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.  When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.  "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.  "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

Taking It Literally

Young David was playing on the floor singing at the top of his lungs. A neighbor came over to visit and said, "David, would you like to sing on the radio?" David looked up at her very solemnly and said, "No." "Why ever not?" she asked. "Because," he said, "I might fall off."

Compensation

Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" he complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

Doing as Told

I had just placed a cake on my kitchen counter and told my young son to keep his hands off the cake. I left the room and returned a short time later to find my son on a bar stool with both hands behind his back – but his mouth was on the cake. He was obeying me. He did not put his hands on the cake. I just hadn't thought to mention his mouth!

These are the laws of the natural universe

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Von Fumbles Law: When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket.

~ Law of Campbell's Oops: The probability that you will spill food on your clothes is directly proportional to your need to be clean.

~ Law of Fatal Irreversibility: After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later.

Minnesota

A farmer lived in Minnesota, right on the border with Iowa.  One day he saw a team of surveyors working along the road.  They measured and argued and measured again.  Finally they came up to the farm house.  "Sir, we have some news for you," they said. "It looks like the old map was completely wrong about the border.  Your farm is actually in Iowa!"  "That's wonderful!" cried the farmer, "No more of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their tent.   Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"  "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."  "No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

Government in Action

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines.  One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested, as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old.  The FCC director loved the idea and replied, "Good thought. But first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

The Accident

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.  "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today’s Thought

I don't need any tattoos. After all, you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.