Oops
My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at
the office today? Is everything okay?"
I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had
a break all day." "Great. Can
you do me a favor?" "Sure,
boss. What?" "Speed up play;
I'm in the foursome behind you!"
New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed
a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of
workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the
guy, "How much money do you make a
week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I
make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO
said, "Wait right here." He
walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600
in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come
back." Feeling pretty good about
himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?" From across
the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's
and was just waiting to collect the money!"
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn
syrup made me fat.
Wife: That's ridiculous!
Husband: OK, 'Ms. know it all'. If high fructose corn
syrup didn't make me fat, what did?
Wife: Going back for thirds.
Diamonds
After many years, her original wedding band had become
worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her
anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds.
They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her
husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like
diamonds I can see." Having
overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it
would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."
Paraprosdokians
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently
humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
4. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in
public.
5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is
not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
8. In filling out an application, where it says, "In
case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."
9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need
a parachute to skydive twice.
10. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and
call whatever you hit the target.
12. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
13. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting
harder and harder for me to find one now.
Israelites out of Egypt
Nine year old Dewey was asked by his mother what he had
learned in Sunday school. "Well,
Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue
mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had
his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Dewey, is that really what your
teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!"
A Parent’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well don’t I have the right to dream?)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
Today’s Thought
Teach your kids about taxes. Eat 30% of their ice cream
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