Sorry, forgot to post on Friday.

Friday's Funnies Worried   Lenora, 95 years old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: "Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went!"   How’s Your Job At…   Q. How's your job at the clock factory? A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company? A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job at the travel agency? A. I'm going nowhere. Q. How's your job at the pie company? A. It didn't pan out. Q. How's your job at the balloon factory? A. We can't keep up with inflation. Q. How's your job at the crystal ball manufacturer? A. I'm making a fortune. Q. How's your job at the history book publisher? A. There's no future in it. Q. How's your job on the farm? A. Things keep cropping up. Q. How's your job at the sewing shop? A. Hanging on by a thread.   Save Me A Seat   A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday. My friend likes to sit close to the front. So, they entered a pew in the second row. Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the bench, and said, "This pew is saved." Her husband replied, "So are WE!" Away From Desk   A chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk. "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?" About Food   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end, and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." - Anonymous The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again. - George Miller Inside me, there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. - Bob Thaves In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait. - Jose Simmons When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.' - Yogi Berra The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin   Three Wishes   This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, onboard GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody has ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl... Nah. With billions and billions of dollars, he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." Dad Joke   I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage... lost my case. Today’s Thought When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.