Friday's Funnies

 Bribing

A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: "A dollar per point." The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.

 

Fishing Wife

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered. "First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

Sharing Worries and Troubles

She: When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.

He: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
She: Well, we aren't married yet.

 

Golfing Tip

A young man and a pastor are playing a round of golf together. At a short par 3, the pastor asks the young man, "What club are you going to use on this hole?” The young man says, "An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?” The pastor says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

 

School Daze

Our business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill customers. He asked, "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?" One student piped up, "Tuition!"

Psychoanalyst

George has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, George's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the mall, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" George says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!" "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," George says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues George, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says George. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

One Liners

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness.

I finally realized why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

Sorry that I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now.

If you drop something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.

A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

Dad Joke

When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.

Today’s Thought

If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.