Love
Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people
dizzy.
Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased
with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him
into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was
superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours
is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef
said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
Put a Lid on It!
A soldier went up to the Company cook and said, "If
you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food." The
cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to
defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier.
"But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
Q & A
(Q:) What do you call a bear without teeth? (A:) A Gummy
Bear.
World's First Professional
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating
who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said, "It must have
been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of
taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?" "No,"
said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone
to help preach his message to Adam and the world." "Wait," said
the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know
what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world
into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who
created the chaos?" asked the lawyer.
Funny Quotes
- I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
- I just read a book about marriage that says treat your
wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm
dropping her off at her parent's house.
- The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
- I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the
terrible chest pains I keep getting.
- Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer,
"Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.
- I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said,
"I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said,
"I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them
myself, in aisle C.
- I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to
stop going to those places.
- When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wonder how
someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
- I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
- A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks,
"How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time.
We're gonna build a house."
- I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
- Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix
for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you
die?
- I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've
never even seen one of his paintings.
- Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.
- So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already
up playing the bagpipes.
- Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The
Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."
What’s The Difference
What's the difference between an alligator and a
crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the
main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while.
Bad Driver
You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400
feet, stop and let me out.
Dad Joke
When does a joke become a dad joke?
A: When it falls in love with a yo mama joke
B: When it becomes apparent
C: When you store it in a dad-a-bank
D: When the punchline is full groan
Today’s Thought
A ship carrying a load of red paint collided with a ship carrying a load of
purple paint. Both crews were marooned.
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