Super Bowl
There was a Super Bowl football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals. At half time the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach, and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?" "That was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well," replied the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
What do you call forty German naysayers from San
Francisco? The San Francisco Forty Neiners
How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a
flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.
Top 10
Whenever I read a list of "Top 10 things to do before I die" I'm always surprised that "call 9-1-1" is never number one.
Translations of men’s responses
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the
table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
"YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG
DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will
bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty
soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and
realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive
again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them
up."
What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!" The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
The Bathroom
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
Dad Joke
So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out". I said,
"It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
Today’s Thought
Why did the football coach shake the vending machine? Because he needed a quarterback.
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