Friday's Funnies

 Three Psychiatrists

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"  "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"  The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

All About Family

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. - Charles Wadsworth

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmott

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snow blower, and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what they're talking about. - Evan Esar

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennettt

Rain

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! I Noah guy. 

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes 

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting," because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we've checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. 

Things Learned Living In Texas

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas
~ There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas .
~ If it grows, it'll stick ya.  If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
~ 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
~ There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
~ "Backwards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."
~ The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'
~ You measure distance in minutes.
~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco, and Ketchup.
~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, the feather-brained fellow finagles his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors..." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken." "Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude." 

Dad Joke

Somebody gave me a flyer on anger management. I admit, I lost it. 

Today’s Thought

Try resistance training...refuse to go to the gym.