Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

 

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

 

10. Hey! There's a gift.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.

The Cat's New Year Resolutions

 

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

 

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

 

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

 

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

 

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

 

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

 

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

 

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

 

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

 

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

 

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

 

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

 

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

 

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

 

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

 

Best Puns of the Year

 

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do."

 

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit-forming.

 

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

 

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back cheerfully, "Socks!"

 

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

 

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double-take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

 

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

 

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.