Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

Q. Where does Santa stay when he’s on a vacation?
A. At a ho-ho-ho-tel.

Q. Why is it always so cold during Christmas?
A. Because it is Decembrrrrrrrr.

Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?
A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.”

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast food?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered.

Q. Who is Santa’s male favorite singer?
A. Elf-is Presley.

Q. Who’s Santa’s favorite female pop star?
A. Beyon-sleigh

Q. What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A. A rebel without a Claus.

Q. How does Santa remember all the fireplaces he’s visited?
A. He keeps a log.

Q. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A. Because they always drop their needles.

Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?
A. Ida-ho-ho-ho

 

Nativity Painting

 

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

 

Christmas, Did You Know?

1. Where do the elves go to the toilet in the north pole? The igloo.

2. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much? Because the present’s beneath them.

3. Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!

4. Did you hear that Santa Claus used to learn karate? He has a black belt!

5. What do the little shark kids call the Santa who delivers presents to them? Santa Jaws!

6. What would you call a reindeer that has an obnoxious personality? Rude-olph.

7. What did the beaver say when it saw the Christmas tree? It said, “Nice gnawing you.”

8. What’s the best Christmas gift for someone who has everything? A burglar alarm.

9. Why don’t the reindeers like to go to picnics? That’s mainly because of their ant-lures.

10. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.

 

Christmas Cookie Rules

 

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

 

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

 

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free (see rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

 

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

 

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

 

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

 

7. Cookies eaten while watching "A Christmas Story" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

 

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes caloric leakage.

 

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

 

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.

 

For All The Kids Out There

 

A snowman, eating dessert, was asked by the waitress how he liked the carrot cake. He replied, "It tastes like boogers."

 

Dad Joke

 

A couple is walking through St. Petersburg Square in Russia on Christmas Eve when they start to feel something wet fall upon their faces. “I think it’s raining,” says the man. “No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. “How about we ask this Communist officer here? He’s always right!” the man insists. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.