Friday's Funnies

 UK Thanksgiving

 

An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September." "Why then?" "That's when they left."

Payment

 

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Smart Kid

 

Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Engine Failure

 

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

A Letter from My Grandfather

I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE! Isn’t Florida great?

More Light Bulb Jokes

 

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
While this topic is of great importance, we will resume this discussion at our next meeting.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's out? Sell my stock in light bulbs now!

How many union plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Union plumbers don't change light bulbs; union electricians change light bulbs.

All I Need To Know I Learned On The Cattle Range

 

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
- The ones who learn by reading,
- The few who learn by observation, and
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Reality

 

I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.

 

What An Engineer Says (And What It Means)

 

-          A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.)

-          We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

-          Major technological breakthrough. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

-          Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

-          Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

-          Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

-          The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

-          It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

-          We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

-          Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

-          Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!)

-          Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)

 

Dad Joke

 

I was walking past a farm and a sign said “Duck, eggs!” I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Education is important but ice cream is importanter.