Friday's Funnies

 Top Ten Innovations Being Developed for 2022

 

10. Gluten-Free Face Masks

9. Chia Personal Bubble

8. Body-Scrubbing Drone

7. Socially-Distanced Murder Hornets

6. Morgan Freeman's Voice Modulator for all Politicians

5. Zoom's Electric Shock 'Reminder' that You're still on Mute

4. Retro pull-start TV remote

3. Cobblestone roads replaced with leftover fruitcake

2. Tween Yoda

1. New game show, "Wheel of Fauci"

 

Other College Football Bowl Games

 

With the college football bowl season almost over, it seems like they have more bowl games than ever. Yet there are still those out there complaining that they deserve to be in a bowl game. Well, here's a list of some bowls that should satisfy the needs for all those "deserving" teams.

Can't Believe We Made It To A Bowl
They'll Let Anybody Play Bowl
Everyone's A Winner Bowl
Private Sector Does It Better Bowl
Don't Leave Any Team Behind Bowl
We Tried But We Couldn't Do It Bowl
We're On A Roll Bowl
How Did We Get Here Bowl
We Don't Know How To Play Bowl
Back To The Basics Bowl
Arm Chair Quarterback Bowl
Couch Potato Bowl
Kangaroo Bowl
Last Chance Bowl
Bottom Of The Bowl

 

New Year’s Resolutions

 

1. Never  slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 

8. There are three kinds of men: 

        The ones that learn by reading. 

        The few who learn by observation. 

        The rest of them have to touch the electric fence and find out for themselves. 

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

New Year’s Resolutions – past and present

 

2018: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2019: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2020: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2021: I will work out 3 days a week.

2022: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

Distressed Money

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

New Federal Employee

 

As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found:

"Ethics: Coming Soon!"

 

Coffee

 

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee. Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster. I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.