Fun Fact
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer
than the shelf.
Reindeer Gender
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to mid-December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they
give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to
Blitzen.... had to be a female. We should've known this when they were able to
find their way.
It’s The Thought
I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts,
not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course
"perfect." One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one
who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and there is no such thing as a perfect man. So, if there is no perfect man and
no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was an accident.
Audition
I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to
become a member of the local Christmas choir. After the audition, I asked the
director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor." "You
mean right next to the baritones," I asked? "No," he said,
"I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir."
How To Tell If You’re A Grinch
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under
your own name. (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from your neighbor's outdoor display to
replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or
lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or
reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra
points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1
point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan
Santa also, add 10 points.=)
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or
K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5
points for each infraction)
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on
Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone, claiming you are stuck in a
phone booth)
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of
goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this
stuff for your own party)
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own
[Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points)
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a
commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points;
15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a
definite no-no. (20 points)
--------------------
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to
100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has
arrived.
Dad Joke
Elf: "Santa, we've finished making mints for every
child."
Santa: "Mints?"
Elf: "Yeah, you said make Altoids."
Santa: "I said make all toys."
Elf: "Altoids!"
Santa: "All toys."
Elf: "Well this is a disappoint-mint."
Today’s Thought
Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you
already know?
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