Workout
Started a new routine this week, doing crunches twice a day: Cap'n in the morning, Nestle's in the afternoon.
The Breaks
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard
a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you
ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you
break?" "My sister's arm."
Short Quotes
·
"My favorite 'essential oil' is bacon
grease."
·
"They told me I was gullible. I believed
them."
·
"When will all the rhetorical questions
end?"
Exercise Perspective
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years. ...and you tell me to exercise so I'll live
longer?
The Speeders
·
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he
asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded,
"I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
·
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near
Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean
out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added,
"If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
·
"I'm due in traffic court," one
speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
·
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73
mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a
senior citizen's discount?"
You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X
If...
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle
comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned
up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products
as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
5. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the
century and playing Prince's "1999."
6. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
7. (Related to #6) You rode in the back
of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
8. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar,
math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the
Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
9. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the
sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
10. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
Kids Ask The Best Questions
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But
no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to
'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs
white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL
of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it
will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There’s Jennifer,
she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at
the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why
is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood
doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t
empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE.
God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
Dad Joke
My uncle spent $250,000 on a new limousine and later
found out the price does not include a driver. To think he spent all that money and has
nothing to chauffeur it.
Today’s Thought
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
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