Friday's Funnies

Psychiatrist

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."  "Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."  The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Aging

Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.  She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

3. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

5. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

6. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

7. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

8. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Weight loss

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Disorder in the American Courts

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

Driver’s License Renewed

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.  The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Today’s Thought

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.