Friday's Funnies

How To Remember Family Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on the screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Pondering Pounds

One of life's mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Exciting Trip

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans. But, of course, my main concern was for my child. My fears were quickly alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Hiccups

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?"  The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face.  The man said "What did you do that for?"  The tech replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?"  The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car."

Percentage

I was told that 70% of the population is unintelligent. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

Renter

A person calls a pet store: "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once."

Astonished clerk: "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"

Caller: "I'm moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

Natural Born

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Bank Teller

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.

First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.

Aging

A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.

She: "Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married."

He: "Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

The Computer Swallowed Grandma - This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.

The computer swallowed grandma.

Yes, honestly it's true!

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the Recycle Bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see,

Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me!

Today’s Thought

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.