Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Excuses The Innkeeper Had

10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful

9.  Wife said he couldn't accept wood carvings as payment anymore

8.  Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going

7.  Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels

6.  Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention

5.  Didn't accept the Judean Express Card

4.  Last room left was by the ice machine

3.  Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before

2.  Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.

1.  No last names, no service

DNA Results

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.  Husband: What's up?  Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...  Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.  Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

On the Scale

When children come into the doctor's office where I work, it's my job to weigh and measure them.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."  Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, no!" 

Puns

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Watching a Rocket

A couple of birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.  "Wow," said one, "look how fast he flies." The other replied, "You'd fly like that too it your tail was on fire."

Noah

Johnny: "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the Ark?"  Sonny: "No. How could he, with just two worms."

Insurance Laughs

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Traveled by bus?

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo.

"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

Baseball In Heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team's game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.  One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.  He said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven."  Bob said, "That's the best news!"  Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...you're pitching tomorrow night."

Today’s Though

A snowman asked his friend what she thought of carrot cake. The friend replied, “It tastes like boogers.”