Friday's Funnies

I Know Something.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."  Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"  He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

Punny One-liners

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

-        Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

-        Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

-        Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

-        Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

-        Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

-        Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Christmas Signs

-        From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

-        In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

-        Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

-        From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

-        In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

-        A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

-        In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Devious, But Effective!

It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.

Christmas Shopping Fun-Liners

-        When my wife is Christmas shopping, her philosophy is "I came .. I saw .. I bought..."

-        I always have a white Christmas. I see the bills and I turn white.

-        It's terrible. You fight the crowds, stand in line, and pay an outrageous price just to give a present to someone who says, "You didn't have to do that."

-        One department store has an exciting Christmas special. If you spend $500 in one day, they'll tell you where they hid the bathroom.

-        It's the First Law of Christmas Shopping: When your kids are old enough to appreciate getting clothes as gifts, it's cheaper to buy toys.

Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree.
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree.
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree.
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open.
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses (4a is particularly important). Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!

New Year's Resolutions

·        My new year’s resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm going to be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

·        If you make a New Year's resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won't actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

·        Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

·        My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

·        A new year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.