Friday's Funnies

I Love Thanksgiving

Some people REALLY love Christmas, but I love Thanksgiving.  Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.  Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

Turkey Carving

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house.  The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"  The surgeon replied: "Anybody can take it apart.  Let's see you put it back together again."

Thanksgiving Weather Summary

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Top Ten Thanksgiving-themed Movies

10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
7. "Casserolablanca"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
1. "The Wing and I"

Good Question

A lady was looking for a turkey for her Thanksgiving dinner but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the store's stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he responded. "They're dead."

Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

-        Salmonella won't be a concern.

-        Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

-        Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

-        Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

-        Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

-        No one will overeat.

-        The smoke alarm was due for a test.

-        Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

-        You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

-        After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

-        You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches

Being Thankful

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker. "How can you stay so pleasant?" "We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."

Actual Interactions from the Butterball Help Line

·        When a Butterball staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller said, "Florida."

·        A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After conversing with the operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside-down.

·        A man called to say he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.

Football Season

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

The Perfect Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the legs for dinner and there were never enough for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together: "Well I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I could never catch the crazy thing!"

Today’s Thought

He ate so much over the holiday weekend he decided to quit cold turkey.