Friday's Funnies

Gray hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of gray hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs gray, Mom?"  Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray."  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are gray?"

Animal Crackers

A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top. Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for the seal."

Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK — it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said. "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Cute Baby

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you."

Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.  The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.  That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.  Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.  Great Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, “So it would fit in my pan, of course.”

Discipline today

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved.  But my son has his own  TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"  "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.  "I send him to MY room!"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.   If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.   And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.   It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"  A) the condor  B) the buzzard  C) the cuckoo  D) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.   She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.  All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.   She hoped she would not have to use it because.........her friend was, well, a blonde.   But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:  "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.  And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.  Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."   "Is that your final answer?"  "Yes, that is my final answer."   "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.  "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"  "Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."  Sally fainted.

First Draft


I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"  "What letters?" I answered slyly.  "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."


For the Mrs.


Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.  “Your wife must like rolls,” he said.  “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.  “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”


The Right Diagnosis


A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”  “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”  The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”