Friday's Funnies

Facebook

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

Foreman

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"  Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Test Questions and Self-Evident Answers

1.    In which battle did Napoleon die? His last one.

2.    Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page.

3.    River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid.

4.    What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.

5.    What is the main reason for failure? Exams.

6.    What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.

7.    What looks like half an apple? The other half.

8.    If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? Wet.

9.    How can a man go eight days without sleeping? No problem, he sleeps at night.

10.  How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

11.  If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Very large hands.

12.  If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall is already built.

13.  How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want; concrete floors are very hard to crack.

The Shopper

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did. 

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

The Doctor

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Drunk

A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

School play

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.  She asks, "What part is it?"  The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."  "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!  As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”  “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Test results

Bob and Joe sat next to each other taking a test. When they finished, the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, “Boys, I will have to give both of you a zero on this test.”  “W-why?” they wanted to know, though Joe was shifting uncomfortably.  She said, “Your answers were too nearly alike. One of you cheated and the other one let him do it.”  “What makes you think we cheated?” Bob asked. “That could have been a coincidence.”  The teacher said, “I might have believed that if it wasn’t for the fact that when you came to question #10, Bob wrote in ’I don’t know’ for the answer, and you, Joe, put ’Me neither’!”

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.  “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”  “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

  

Movie commotion

We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a person from the center of the row got up and started working their way across.  “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”  By the time the person got to me I was trying to see the screen and I was a little impatient so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”  “No!!” was the loud whisper, “The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.”

Thought

No sense being pessimistic; it probably won't work anyway.