Friday's Funnies

Asking for a raise

“I have to have a raise,” the man said to his boss. “Three other companies are after me.”  “Is that so?” asked the boss. “What other companies are after you?”  “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

Facebook

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.

The Deterrent

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of the nurses were wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Church Attendance

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

New baby

One Monday evening a Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby’s cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike’s face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.  Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked. ‘A penny for your thoughts.’  ‘It’s amazing!’ Mike replied. ‘I just can’t work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99.’

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.

   To err is human; to purr, feline.

   To err is human; to do nothing, benign.

   To err is human; to quit, resign.

   To err is human; to howl, lupine.

   To err is human; to solve, design.

   To err is human; to moo, bovine.

   To err is human; to soothe, calomine.

   To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.

   To err is human; to prance, equine.

   To err is human; to add, combine.

   To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.

   To err is human; to woo, Valentine.

   To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.

   To err is human; to straighten, align.

   To err is human; to twist, serpentine.

   To err is human; to love, sublime.

   To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!

Two robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.  “Me, too” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”  They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree”, said the first one.  “Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.  “O.K.” said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.  No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

Lessons learned

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Tech support

Have you ever telephoned a company’s technical support number to get a problem solved? Well I did recently, but it didn’t go very well…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Automated Answer (finally):

“Thank you for calling Technical Support.”

“All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.”

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Ring… (All right! They must be transferring me…) Ring…

“The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do it now.”