Friday's Funnies

Sounds Fishy

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing? The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

The Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)

2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

And the number one pick up line from Adam is:

1. "You're the apple of my eye!"

Room For Improvement

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!" "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked. The father replied, "I send him to MY room!"

Very Punny

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

My Travel Plans -----And Where I have been?!?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. PLEASE DO YOUR PART! Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine.

Online dating

A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked "What exactly are you looking for?"   This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.  Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out.  Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."   In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."

The perfect caddy

The golfer called to one of the caddies and said, “I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.”  “Yes, sir. I’m very good at keeping score.”  “We’ll see. If I shoot 3 on the first hole, 4 strokes on the second hole, and 5 on the third, what’s my score so far?” asked the golfer.  “Ten, sir,” said the caddy.  “Good, you’ll do perfectly.”

A difference of words

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”   Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.  The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”  The husband said “What?”

Clean bathroom

Constant nagging didn’t seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: “Please leave the bathroom as you found it.”  I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, “Brian, how did you find the bathroom?”  After a brief pause, he replied, “Straight down the hall, first door on the right.”