Friday's Funnies

What NOT To Give Her For Valentine’s Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”

Sweet Nothings (.com) 

My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

Irresistible Irony 

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

Making the Grade 

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

Watching the game

The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.   They were being very affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other's ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, or kiss each other. There was also a lot of giggling going on.  The young man said to his girlfriend, “I don't know whether to watch them or the game.”  She said, “Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball.”

Redneck Valentine Love Poem

Collards is green

my dog’s name is Blue

and I’m so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blue’s

and without all them fleas.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo’re there fer yore man,

to patch up life’s troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin’.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine’s Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it’s romantic that way.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won’t do.

Cause yo’re too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!!