Friday's Funnies

Food Tax

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the waiter. "Of course," says the waiter. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a Coke, and my alligator will have a tax collector."

Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong, swift strokes on the back. Immediately the boy coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "Oh, I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Tax Code Wisdom

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code. Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it is not terminated." I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as alive if he or she is not dead.

Mail Fraud

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Flag Tax

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA — only we see stars, too!"

Funny Church Signs

When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the chapel reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.” Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

When I become old

When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy, I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head. I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day. I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more. When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again. I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!

The speaker

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.” A voice from the back of the room says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”

Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”