Friday's Funnies

Watching & Waiting

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave — but he didn't. The boy just kept watching. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?" "Nope," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

Basic Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

Watching Over Us

A speeding motorist was caught after being observed by an overhead police helicopter. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "even He is against me?"

Makes Sense

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify..." I always put "A doctor."

Serving Notice

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message: "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Grandparents’ Answering Machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp …

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, take us to a restaurant, start talking – we are listening.

With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

Piece of advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, and jejune babblement. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”