Friday's Funnies

April Fool's Day...

One radio station prank took place on April Fool’s Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings. Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

A Direct Response

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. Frobisher said, "Dewey, give me a sentence with a direct object." Dewey replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Dewey," responded Mrs. Frobisher, "but what is the object?" Dewey replied, "To get the best grade possible."

It Hurts All Over

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." And the doctor says, "That's impossible." "No, really!" she said, " Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts," she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Putting Words In His Mouth

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

Father's Wisdom

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

When I Was Young

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

Author Unknown

WHERE is my Sunday paper!

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

The Lecture

A retired gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife."

Oh...

An elderly man told his pastor about a variety of health problems. His hearing was going as well as his eyesight. He couldn't remember things. He told the pastor, "I don't know why God just doesn't take me." His pastor tried to reassure him by saying, "God must still have something for you to do." The old man snapped, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not going to do it."