One Moment, Please...
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
That's Cold
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Good Answer
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
First-Hand Evidence
An impish boy turned over the porta-pottie at his father's contruction site. His father later questioned him about it and the boy confessed to the prank. His father spanked him for committing the vandalism. But the boy protested that George Washington's father did not spank him because he told the truth. The boy's father looked squarely in his eyes and said, "Yes, but George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."
We could have been here sooner
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”
“Hey, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here 10 years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
Wedding Jokes - One Liners by the Famous
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
Ten minute wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on: “If you have been waiting longer than 10 minutes, you may press eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait.”
How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good
Open a new file on your computer.
Entitle it ‘Housework.’
Place it in the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recycle Bin.
Your computer will ask you, ‘Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?’
Answer ‘Yes’ and click the left mouse button firmly.
Now you feel much better
Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptized.
If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?
Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.
No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Good Experience
When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."
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