Friday's Funnies

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
3. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
4. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Following Directions

While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told. His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

Doctor Punster

A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Wilson's behavior. Off and on throughout her shift, Dr. Wilson would run up and down the hallway, yelling, "Tetanus, measles, flu... " Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, "Why does Dr. Wilson keep doing that?" "Oh, just ignore him," the head nurse said. "He thinks he calls all the shots around here."

It Worked

Sergeant: Private!
Private: Yes, sir.
Sergeant: You failed to show up for camouflage class yesterday.
Private: How do you know that, sir?

New Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, we thought we'd warn you of the next surcharges they'll levy for something previously free:
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

Safety at work

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?" The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

9-1-1 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn ... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful. Nothing like a good editor to make sense of things!