Friday's Funnies

Building Rome

Marilyn, the teacher, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day. “

The Regimen

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up.”

Companies Merging

Times are tough, so many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few to keep an eye on:
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. (The new company will be called Farewell Honeychild)
• Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
• W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems. (The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
• 3M and Goodyear. (The new company will be called MMM Good)
• John Deere and Abitibi-price. (The new company will be called Deere Abi)
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil. (The new company will be called Honey Im Home)
• Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining. (The new company will be called Mine All Mine)
• Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women. (The new company will be called Knott NOW)
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining. (The new company will be Zip Audi Do-Da)
• Motorola and Enron. (The new company will be called Moron)

Pay day

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Parent's Glossary of Kids' Kitchen Terms

APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking.
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

New cow dealer

A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow $499.95
Shipping and handling $ 35.75
Extra stomach $ 79.25
Two tone exterior $142.10
Produce storage compartment $126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper $189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system $149.20
Automatic fly swatter $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery $179.90
Deluxe dual horns $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment $339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly $884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb $ 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36