Friday's Funnies

Who?

Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. "Is this a tough judge?" the prisoner asked. "Yes," the bailiff said. "A tough but fair judge." "Yeah? How tough?" "The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate," the bailiff replied. "I don't know him," said the prisoner. "I'm not from around here."

The Rescue

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the obviously deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Oldies

While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960s. "You know, Son, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young." "Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."

Computer One-Liners

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about 165." he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Oh, about six feet," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. "High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"

For the love of words

- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Little old Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much... I only bought five items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bilingual Dog

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" 'n' "Aye" dog!