Friday's Funnies

Supposedly real student answers to test questions:

• Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
• Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
• Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
• Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
• Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
• Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
• Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.

The Morticians

Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."

Oops

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

System Failure
A pastor preached long past his usual time and at the end of the sermon, a weary parishioner asked him what happened. "Well," he replied, "I usually put a cough drop in my mouth when I begin, and when it's finished, I know it's time to end my sermon. This morning I accidentally put in one of my son's marbles by mistake."

Prayer

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Finance Textbook

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $50," said the clerk. "This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card. "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."

Picnic basket

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" She replied, "No...puppies."

EURO ENGLISH

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.