Man's Best Friend
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
Scripture to Live By
My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12. When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.
Beleaguered Mom
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."
Another Business Merger
Maxwell House, the coffee company, just bought a parachute company, and they intend to use their same long-time slogan: "Good to the last drop."
Kitchen Experience
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If…
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
Dog park
At the dog park, an elderly lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs. Upon being asked the dogs' names by another park visitor, she replied "One is called Timex and the other Rolex." "Wow, them's some strange names for dogs," the visitor replied. "Oh no", the elderly lady dog owner replied "They're watch dogs."
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Another blonde joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house... A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'”
Non-aerobic exercise
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
• Beating around the bush
• Jumping to conclusions
• Climbing the walls
• Swallowing my pride
• Passing the buck
• Throwing my weight around
• Dragging my heels
• Pushing my luck
• Making Mountains out of molehills
• Hitting the nail on the head
• Wading through paperwork
• Bending over backwards
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Balancing the books
• Running around in circles
• Eating crow
• Tooting my own horn
• Climbing the ladder of success
• Pulling out the stops
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Opening a can of worms
• Putting my foot in my mouth
• Starting the ball rolling
• Going over the edge
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