Friday's Funnies

Imaginative Logic

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's mine?" He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."

Job Over

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Moving Experience

My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital. Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado's book, "He Still Moves Stones."

The Signal

Like every Sunday morning my son, David (five years old), attended church with us. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

Country Western songs

What do you get when you play a County & Western song backwards?
You get your wife back.
You get your kids back.
You get your house back.
You get your truck back.
You get your dog back.

How Fights Start........

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!! .......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months........ Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July – Nearly drowned..... Why would anyone put a scratch–n–sniff on the bottom of the pool!!!

August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!