Friday's Funnies

Promised Rewards
A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards. During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"

Oh
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them, hoping to use their soon-to-be vacated space. "No," said the man. "Just friends."

Dogged Insistence
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well."

The Diagnosis
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "That's amazing!" exclaimed the doctor. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!" The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this." "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged. The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need five dollars. Only five bucks. Please!!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?' A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

Puns For Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
28. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Accents
People from the North make way too many jokes about Southern accents. It goes both ways, a friend from Oklahoma pointed out. A professor in her business class asked, "Who can tell me what a quota is?" A girl from New York raised her hand and said, "Twenty-five cents".