Friday's Funnies

A Crazy Test
Visiting the psych ward, Jon asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," Jon said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Welcome. Would you like a bed near a window?"

Bank Stimulus
Husband: "Hey, the bank just returned this check."
Wife: "Isn't that nice of them? What can we buy with it this time?"

Mothers At The Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby. Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked. "No, they're three months apart." "My! You sure had them close together."

For Lexophiles
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium, at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Lost In The Translation
A friend ran the following through Google translate 6 times and the results are hilarious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could.
French
Combien de bois serait un mandrin marmotte, si une marmotte pouvait Chuck bois?
Une marmotte serait Chuck autant de bois comme une marmotte pouvait.
Arabic
كيف الخشب بكثير فإن تشوك الفأر الجبلي الفأر الجبلي إذا كان يمكن أن تشاك الخشب؟
الفأر الجبلي والخشب وتشاك بقدر ما يمكن أن الفأر الجبلي.
Latvian
Cik daudz koka, Chuck Woodchuck Woodchuck ja viņš varētu spīļpatronu koka?
Woodchuck, Koks un Chuck cik vien iespējams, pele kalnu.
Bulgarian
Колко дърво, северноамерикански мармот северноамерикански мармот Чък, ако той може да патронник дърво?
Северноамерикански мармот, дърво и Чък, доколкото е възможно, мишка планината.
Welsh
Sut taflu llawer woodchuck pren woodchuck os gallai chuck bren?
Woodchuck, taflu pren ac mor bell ag y bo modd, mynydd llygoden.

And back to English:
How to throw a lot woodchuck could chuck wood woodchuck if a timber?
Woodchuck, discarded wood and as far as possible, mountain mouse.

Kids Know Best
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Jon, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."