Friday's Funnies

Closing For Good
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what is in here?” “I know!” A little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”

Anyone Else?
In his search for a bird's nest, a man fell over a cliff, but saved himself by clinging to a branch. Not knowing how to get back up, he heard a voice that said, "I can help you. I am the Lord. Do you believe I can help you?" "Of course," the man said. "I trust You completely." "Then," said the Lord, "let go and I will take care of you." Silence. "Well, what do you say?" the Lord asked. Again, a long silence, before the man called out, "Is there anyone else up there?"

Vacation Time
My husband was describing our upcoming holiday at a resort to our four children, aged three to nine. It was at a place where the beds would be made, he told them, the meals would be cooked, and all the cleaning would be done for us. Our oldest child looked puzzled, asking, "Then what's Mommy coming for?"

Economic Stimulus Payment Explained
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.

New businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Kids will be kids
Our six children always hear their home schooling mom lecture on the importance of reading. Amanda, 2 1/2, was greatly impressed one day as she observed her great-grandmother put newspaper on the bathroom floor and shut in her puppy. Surprised, Amanda queried, "Puppy reading?"
Sue Hendrickson / Denton, Texas

According to our seven-year-old, the Declaration of Independence is when "they signed everyone up for freedom!"
Mary Detweiler / Akron, Ohio

I was puzzled by an answer given by a student to the question: "How many right angles does a square have?" He kept responding, "Two." Just how inadequate my explanation of right angles had been was made clear as he continued, "A square has two right angles . . . and two left angles."
Kristin H. Johnson / Englewood, Colorado

Austin requested prayer from his kindergarten teacher for his hospitalized grandfather. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. "I don't know," Austin replied. "All I know is that he is in 'expensive care.'"
Mary E. Davis / Pitman, New Jersey

After a particularly rousing song, our pregnant song leader said, "Whew, the bigger I get, the more out of breath I get." A kindergartner sighed sympathetically, "Me too."
Nicole Callan / St. Louis, Missouri

Each week, our spelling list includes a book of the Bible. My nine-year-old was relieved to learn the meaning of Lamentations. "Oh, good! I thought it was something from inside a lamb!"
Janice Elder/ Columbus, North Carolina

In October, we celebrate Winnie-the-Pooh's birthday. So for the occasion, I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt and Pooh socks, even though they didn't exactly match. When one of my preschoolers saw the outfit, she asked, "Did you want to wear that or did your mommy make you?"
Pamela Beckelhymer / Lafayette, Indiana

We drive an older model van that often has operational difficulties. One morning as our five children clambered into the van for the mile drive to school, Jonathan, age four, leaned over the seat and asked. "Which part of the van are we praying for this morning?"
Joyce Bentch / Cleburne, Texas

Once a week, my children complete an exercise in locating information on various subjects. One of the questions Sean had to answer was, "What do you call the head of a synagogue?" Dumfounded, he told his sister, "I don't even know what kind of animal a synagogue is!"
Janis Hardimann / Melrose, Massachusetts