Friday's Funnies

Politician On The Stand
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

The Retiree
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"

His Logic
Five months pregnant and ravenous, I decided a second helping of dinner was in order. Of course, as soon as I spooned more food onto my plate, my husband had something so say about it. "Remember. I'm eating for two," I reminded him. "True, he said."But how many are you exercising for?"

Real Faith
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

Pizza coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, a mother handed him some money and a discount coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

The mightiest
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!” Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified deer stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!” On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, “Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset.”

Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll do it again!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago…'

Brilliant!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.