Friday's Funnies

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.  Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"  The other three agreed.  The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."  The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."  The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."  The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Football Fan

A football fan is someone who'll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field...and then head to the parking lot and not be able to find their own car.

Man of the House

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"  His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Prayer

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn’t know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car, and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?"  He said, “Sure.” He walked over to her car and, in less than 2 minutes, had the door open. She hugged the man and, through tears, softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and said, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft.” The woman hugged him again and sobbed, “Thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

Offering

A minister in a little church announced: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"  The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Surgeon and Architect

An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.  "You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."  "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."  The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.   And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Today’s Thought

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Friday's Funnies

Hearing Check

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"  There was no response.  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"  Still, there was no response.  Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room, "In the garden of Eden."

Women

Message by a wife: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men? A very intelligent student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

Dead Or Alive

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - either way, you get your dog back." 

Walk On Water

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.  When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.  Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.  When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"  His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in June, dear."

Tech Support

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

Tech: "Okay: 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

Perspective

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Long Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Flying Blondes

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.  A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another half hour though."  One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up here all day?"

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Today’s Thought

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Friday's Funnies

Searching For A Snack

The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.  Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a minute ago."  "I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered my standards."

Priorities

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

From The Heart

As my five year old son and I were headed out for some fast food one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Smart Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."  Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."  The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Actual Call Center Conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Inquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

 Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK..'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' .'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Near Death Experience

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"  God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

Checking Account

Jim's beautiful, blonde wife was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing the checking account.  "The bank returned the check you wrote to the department store," he said.  "Good," she replied. "Now I can use it to buy something else."

Today’s Thought

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter. 

Friday's Funnies

Wedding Tears

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents.  My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.  That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.  After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.  "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

Two Airheads At A Gas Station

Airhead #1: "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!"

Airhead #2: "It doesn't affect me at all; I always put in just $20 worth."

Fearless Captain

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.  One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"  The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."  All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.  As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.  Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

Laughing Prayer

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.  "Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"  "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."

Call The Pastor

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.  That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."  "I’m so sorry to hear that," he comforted her.  "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said.  She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

Cop Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Hunters

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.  The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"  The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."  The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."  So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.  While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"  The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!"   The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible...I had him chained to a transmission.”

Today’s Thought

Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.

Friday's Funnies

Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"  The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."  The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."  After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Ancient Pages

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.  "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"  A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

Husbands and Wives

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."  She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."  The next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"  Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"  "And what was he before you married him?", asked the friend.  The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

Offering

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Avid Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.  Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"  Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"  Jake, though he has many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.  Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.  Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."  Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.  Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.  As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"  Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!  Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.  The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your stinking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."  "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."  Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Today’s Thought

Notice: Spelling mistakes are left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled.

Friday's Funnies

Funny Quotes

"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno

"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss." --Conan O'Brien

"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular casket, but then decided to get the extra-large one which was the better deal because it came with a medium Coke." --David Letterman

Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."  "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"  The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Dry Cleaning

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.  As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."  "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

Kids In Church

3-year-old Reese :  'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan, you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Cats & Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Today’s Thought

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Friday's Funnies

Airlines

A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."  The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."  "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

A Tie

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.  The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"  The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."  The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"  "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."  The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.  Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.  She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"  The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Broken Arm

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.   "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.   "Yes," the girl replied.   "Did it hurt?"   "No."   "Really? Which bone did you break?"   "My sister's arm."  

Things to ponder

- Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

- Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

- What does OK actually mean?

- If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

- Why are things typed up but written down?

- If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

- If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

- Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

- In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

- Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

- If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Vocabulary

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said, "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"  "What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.  “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."  "Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"  "What's extinguish?" she asked.

"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald.  “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."  The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.  "Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

You Know You're In Trouble When

- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

A Message To Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,

Your Owner

Today’s Thought

What do people in China call their good plates?