Friday's Funnies

How Dare they

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said John very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're absolutely right it wasn't," she said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!"

Support

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

Reliable Grandmas

If a mom says, "no," ask Grandma. If Grandma says "no," then... Wait, who are we kidding? Grandma never says, "No!"

Problem Solved

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.  "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."  Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"  When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.  Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.  Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Glossary of Medical Terms (Down-Home Version)

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than dayrates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

What It Wasn't

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a girl," came the reply.

Shorts

-        Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

-        What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

-        The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

Hiding Out

A man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Wisdom For Long Life

-        Don't throw a brick straight up.

-        Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

-        Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

-        If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

-        No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

-        When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Today’s Thought

Have a GREAT DAY . . . unless you have other plans.

Friday's Funnies

The Password Is

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.  We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So, we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123."

Lazy Worker

A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.  "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."  Nine hands went up.  "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.  "Too much trouble," he responded.

Dogs and Cats

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Stingy Miser

A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.  On his deathbed, he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"  His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.  So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony, the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.  The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"  The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."  "You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"  "I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

Smarty

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."  Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Another Blonde Joke

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".  Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."  After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."  A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

New Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.  As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  "It's perfect!" he exclaimed.  "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."  Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

You Know You Have A Big Dog When...

·    -   The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

·    -   You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

·    -    It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vet’s.

·    -    You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

·    -    You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

·    -    You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

·    -    You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

·    -    You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

·    -    You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

·    -    You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"

·    -   Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

·    -    You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

Fiancée

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.  "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.  "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.  "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.  "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Today’s Thought

For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Friday's Funnies

Advance Payment

Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
Student: "Tuition!"

Short Ones

• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
• When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
• At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Gone Fishin'

Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

On Her Knees

A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Wow. What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She shouted, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Delusional

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.   "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."  "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Actual (We're Told) Newspaper Headlines

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Lion Tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

School Daze

• Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" "Not enough," he replies. "I have to go back tomorrow."
• Mom: "How did you find school today?"
  Youngster: "I simply hopped off the bus — and there it was."
• Mia: "I think we need a new teacher."
  Mom: "Why is that?"
  Mia: "Our teacher doesn't know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers."
• Teacher: "Who can tell me what a 'mystery' is?"
  Pupil: "A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it."
• Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other kids in her class what "extinct" meant. "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

Impressive

My daughter's history class was able to take a trip to Washington, DC, last year. She didn't seem too excited, deeming it too "educational" to be any fun. But when she returned she was bubbling over with enthusiasm and wonder and even awe as she described how they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, staring at the Washington Monument across the reflecting pool. "Just think, Mom," she marveled, "we were standing in the exact spot where Forrest Gump stood!"

Today’s Thought


A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Friday's Funnies

Praying for all affected by Hurricane Irma!

Shorts

• What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist only wears a belt. A pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Out With A Bang

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his eggs every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Fake News

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media...

• On Red Sea crossing:
  Wetlands Trampled in Labor Strike
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
• On David vs. Goliath:
  Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
• On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
  Fire Sends Religious Extremist into Frenzy
    400 Killed
• On the birth of Christ:
  Hotels Full, Animals Left Homeless
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
• On feeding the 5,000:
  Preacher Takes Child's Lunch
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
• On healing the 10 lepers:
  Local Doctor's Practice Ruined
    "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
• On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
  Madman's Friend Causes Stampede
    Local Farmer's Investment Lost
• On raising Lazarus from the dead:
  Fundamentalist Preacher Raises a Stink
    Reading of Will Delayed

Kids' Science Exam Answers

• Q:  Name the four seasons.
  A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q:  What does 'varicose' mean?
  A:  Nearby.
• Q:  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
  A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
• Q:  What does the word 'benign' mean?'
  A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Shorts

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• There are moments when everything goes well. Don't be frightened, it won't last.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick questions.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and mom's age.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There are credit cards, money orders and travelers checks.

Worship

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.

Today’s Thought

They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I've discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.

Friday's Funnies

Nap Time

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

3. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

4. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

5. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

6. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

7. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

8. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

9. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

10. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

11. Why do people say “beans, beans, the magical fruit” when beans are vegetables?

12. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

Expensive

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.  "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."  "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."   "Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

The Cynical Philosopher

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy

but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, you don’t have a life!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Instructions

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Husband's Estimate

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"  Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.  "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Today’s Thought

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.

Friday's Funnies

Things to ponder

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

6. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Sermons

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited.   Finally the preacher said, "Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn't look like anyone else is going to show up."   The cowboy responded, "Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!"   The preacher said "Okay," and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon.   After it was over the cowboy said, "Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!" 

What Goes Around...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom, with a little grin, replied, "I remember."

Tech Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drawing a large sign, visible through a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are in a Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.”  

Unemployed

A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren't hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, "Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam."  Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.   One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn't yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, "Help! Help!"   About that time the lion spoke up and said, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!"

Pearly Gates

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"  "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate it'll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."  "Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Today’s Thought

Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? 

Friday's Funnies

Children

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and mom's age.

Border Problem

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.  "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"  "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah’s Ark

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Cats

-          Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."

-          To a cat's mind, all things belong to cats.

-          As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

-          There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

-          Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are Divine.

-          There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

-          The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

Practicing What You Preach?

Recently my wife was behind a car on which she noticed with three bumper stickers. One said, "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food! Demand labels and safety testing for food." The second said, ""Eat for the health of it." And the third said, "Support organic farmers." The car was in front of her at a McDonald's drive-through.

Times Change

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood:  "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Age

My youngest son asked me how old I was.  I answered, "39 and holding."  He thought for a moment and then asked, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Today’s Stock Market Report:

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.