Friday's Funnies

Going In Style

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Cleaning Up

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt" He yelled back, "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!"

Kids Say The Craziest Things

BRITTANY (age 4)

had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)

was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'

DJ (age 4)

stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5)

was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 

JAMES (age 4)

was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY(age 4)

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The Plan

The loaded mini—van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father grinned and said, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."

Never die

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

Reality Check

Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

Friday's Funnies

Sleeping In

Pastor to Parishioner: "Will I see you in church tomorrow?"
Parishioner: "I expect to be there Reverend, but I've been sleeping in on Sunday mornings."
Pastor: "Oh, really? How late have you been sleeping in?"
Parishioner: "That all depends on the length of your sermon."

Seeing Clearly

So a woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired. "Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're just not working," the woman complained. "Perhaps the lens grinder made an error in filling the prescription." "I'm sure he must have," the woman confirmed. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Salary disparity


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.  “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”  The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…..  “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Ready to retire? Take this quiz to find out.


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree‘s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Never a truer word

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, some days the statue.

Keep your words soft and sweet — in case you have to eat them.

Always read books that will make you look good if you die before you finish.

If you lend someone a small amount of money and never see him again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Because it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, some dull, some have weird names, all are different colours — but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Save the earth — It’s the only planet with chocolate.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN

Friday's Funnies

"THAT’S MY MOM"

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....

WHY GOD MADE MOMS  - Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MOM WHEN...

~ You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

~ You find yourself humming the Wiggles song as you do the dishes.

~ You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

~ You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

~ You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

~ You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

~ You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

~ You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

WAITING ROOM

The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at his normal snail’s pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.  “Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.  “Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go home and die a natural death, instead of just being bored to death.”

Friday's Funnies

Smart!

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Bible

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Golf

A reporter, interviewing Jack Nicklaus: "Jack, you are spectacular! You really know your way around the course.  What is your secret?"

Jack: "The holes are numbered."

Word-Wise

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Good Observations

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"

Taking The Bus
(Disclaimer: Actions described in the following story from the web are neither recommended nor condoned, nor are they, on merit, amusing. But the fictitious narrative's closing twist is funny.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at an upscale hotel downtown and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Bringing Home a Drunken Irishman

An Irishman is in a pub about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. 

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door.  His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Normal?

Normal is only a setting on your dryer.

Friday's Funnies

One way to save money

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.  “This is the last time” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”

Psychology Course

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?" "Oh, he's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

Petty Argument

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

Gladly the Bear

A young boy attended his first Sunday school class and he was later relating the events of the day to his mother. "We sang a song about a bear," he proudly said. "You sang a song about a bear?" his mother asked. "Yes," he piped up. "We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed." His mother blinked. "You sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed?" she asked, wondering what this had to do with Sunday school. "Uh-huh. And his name was Gladly," her son explained. His mother pressed. "What do you mean?" With a big smile, he said, "We sang 'Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear.'"*
*This is from a line in Fanny Crosby's hymn, "Keep Thou My Way" which they apparently sang as "Gladly the cross I'd bear."

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, And three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Life lessons

When you say that you agree with something in principle, it means that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember: it didn’t work for the rabbit.

Beauty comes from within. Within jars, tubes, bottles and compacts.

“Easy” is a word you use to describe other people’s jobs.

Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

There is no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you all about it?

The surest way to be out of fashion tomorrow is to be in the forefront of it today.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Everything wrong

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.  "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."

Friday's Funnies

Strange bird

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, “That’s a bird of paradise.”  The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, “Long way from home, isn’t it?”

CHURCH OXYMORONS - An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms.

- Brief meeting

- Preacher's day off

- Clear calendar

- Volunteer waiting list

- Concluding remarks

Sunday Morning

The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. "Come on, time to get ready for church."  "Do I have to?"  "Yes you do."  "I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE."  "No. You can sleep in tomorrow."  "Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?"  "Well, you're the pastor."

Visiting Australia

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"
Native: "Alligator's teeth."
Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
Native: "Oh no, no, no! Anybody can open an oyster."

Qualifications to be President

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"  Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

Picky Proprietor

Two guys went into a restaurant and sat down. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs, and started to eat them.  The owner saw what was going on and walked over. “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” he complained.  The two guys stopped, looked at each other, and swapped sandwiches.

Groaners

-        When they installed bungee ropes in the church tower, the bell ringers hit the roof.

-        There’s no sense in being pessimistic; it wouldn’t work anyway.

-        I first performed stand-up when I was eleven months old.

-        Who would have thought Velcro would catch on?

-        Windmills, I’m a big fan, big, big fan!

-        So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.

-        There’s no future for Exit signs, they’re on the way out.

-        I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

-        A Minnesota woman gave birth while at the bank. The worst part is she was penalized for early withdrawal.

-        Quick gag for all you Telepaths out there…………

-        5 out of every 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.

-        My memory is not as good as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be.

Work quips

Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

Every piece of equipment in our office is covered by insurance, except the clock. But our employees are always watching that.

I used to work at the unemployment office. Really hated it because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.

Q: How many people work in this office?

A: About half of them.

We used to have a guy working here who used to say: “I take orders from no one.” Unfortunately he was in the sales department.

I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 30% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 5% Friday.

People often ask me how I got my job as a book editor, well to cut a long story short…

If you’re not fired with enthusiasm you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

To err is human, but evidently to blame things on somebody else shows management potential.

Fire Safety Training

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then press the trigger to release the foam.”

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin … and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Friday's Funnies

Actual Newspaper Ad Lines

·        Illiterate? Write today for free help.

·        Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

·        Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

·        Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

·        Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

·        Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

·        Stock up and save. Limit one.

·        Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

·        Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

·        We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Church Nevers

·        Never ask an usher to break a $20.

·        Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank.

·        Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.

·        Never tell the pastor, "We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter."

·        After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don't follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."

That's Logical

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF...

Bluenecks are northerners - the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves).

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

...None of your fur coats are homemade

Not a good idea!

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams!  Now what should he do?  His mother advised: "Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal!"  So that's what he did.  His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.  "The evening was a disaster," he moaned.  "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.  "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

DOCTOR FUNNY #1

After the doctor gave the patient his diagnosis, the patient asked, "Can I have a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Sure. Come back tomorrow."

DOCTOR FUNNY #2

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor."

"Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

Zoo feeding time

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had dropped dead from old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage.  When he reached the primate cage he found two chimps who have also died of natural causes. “Waste not, want not” he said as he put them in the sack with the finches.  Later at feeding time, he flipped the animals from the sack into the lions cage.  “Oh no!!” roared the lion… “Not finch and chimps again!”

More blond jokes

Why did the blond stare at the orange juice. Because it said concentrate.

How do you get a blond to climb on the roof. Tell her the drinks are on the house.

How do you get a blond to stay in the shower all day. Lend her your bottle of shampoo that says, lather, rinse, repeat.

Digital World

My wife tells me that our children are referred to as "Digital Natives" since they will not remember a time in their lives prior to the internet, iPhones, touch screens, or wifi.  Confirming evidence: Yesterday my 4-year-old daughter went to throw something away in the trash can and found it to be too full. She approached me and said, "Daddy, you need to delete the trash."