Friday's Funnies

Sleeping In

Pastor to Parishioner: "Will I see you in church tomorrow?"
Parishioner: "I expect to be there Reverend, but I've been sleeping in on Sunday mornings."
Pastor: "Oh, really? How late have you been sleeping in?"
Parishioner: "That all depends on the length of your sermon."

Seeing Clearly

So a woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired. "Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're just not working," the woman complained. "Perhaps the lens grinder made an error in filling the prescription." "I'm sure he must have," the woman confirmed. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Salary disparity


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.  “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”  The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…..  “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Ready to retire? Take this quiz to find out.


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree‘s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Never a truer word

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, some days the statue.

Keep your words soft and sweet — in case you have to eat them.

Always read books that will make you look good if you die before you finish.

If you lend someone a small amount of money and never see him again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Because it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, some dull, some have weird names, all are different colours — but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Save the earth — It’s the only planet with chocolate.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN