Friday's Funnies

One way to save money

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.  “This is the last time” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”

Psychology Course

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?" "Oh, he's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

Petty Argument

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

Gladly the Bear

A young boy attended his first Sunday school class and he was later relating the events of the day to his mother. "We sang a song about a bear," he proudly said. "You sang a song about a bear?" his mother asked. "Yes," he piped up. "We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed." His mother blinked. "You sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed?" she asked, wondering what this had to do with Sunday school. "Uh-huh. And his name was Gladly," her son explained. His mother pressed. "What do you mean?" With a big smile, he said, "We sang 'Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear.'"*
*This is from a line in Fanny Crosby's hymn, "Keep Thou My Way" which they apparently sang as "Gladly the cross I'd bear."

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, And three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Life lessons

When you say that you agree with something in principle, it means that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember: it didn’t work for the rabbit.

Beauty comes from within. Within jars, tubes, bottles and compacts.

“Easy” is a word you use to describe other people’s jobs.

Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

There is no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you all about it?

The surest way to be out of fashion tomorrow is to be in the forefront of it today.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Everything wrong

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.  "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."